Reflections of Light Thru Blaque

Urban Professional with painful paws.

I end up in the weirdest places and i'm usually very uncomfortable there. In fact i'm spending so much time uncomfy, that i'm starting to forget what it is that i'm actually comfortable with.. I'm starting to think that its "people" in general that irk me and have me on edge (specifically large groups of folks I don't know) Thursday night I was kicking it with 2 of my homies from high school. Instead of just going to dinner as planned, the homie *K* took us to an "Urban Professionals Networking Event" at an art gallery on the north side of town.. I was rather amazed to walk in and see a large group of "the blacks" assembled drinking the free wine and beer and pretending to network.. It didn't look like any business deals were taking place up in that joint.. but there was plenty of "fronting" and conversation going on in small groups, while looking at some dreary art on the walls of the gallery. I'm an art lover so it takes alot for me to call something ugly, but this shit was just plain miserable to look at. So the well dressed, upwardly-mobile, business card carrying "blacks" tried to impress each other by trying to look self-important.. Meanwhile me and my homie are feeling out of place. She was underdressed for a business event, and I was looking a tad slutty for the event.. I woulda came in my after-work gear if I had known it was that kinda party.

I felt sexy from head to ankle. Couldn't feel sexy at the feet because the feet were so jacked up. (hides my back paws) I tried to give myself a mini-pedicure and failed miserably at getting rid of the skin around the big toenails. Ended up pulling some skin and it bleeding a little bit. Since bare toes were not an option, I put on some knee-hi stockings with that ugly reinforced toe. At the time, I didn't really worry about that because the heels I had on were closed toe. I tried to be daring and wear some expensive heels I picked up several years ago and have not really worn much. I'm known as the queen of flats, and won't touch heels if ya paid me to do so. Anyhooo I made it for about an hour in public before I couldn't take the heels any longer and it felt like I was walking on fucking-cut-glass and razor blades. I was limping around and almost in tears like a broke-legged-dog (i'm so sincere)

My girls were laughing at me when I made a quick pit-stop at p.ayle.ss and picked up a 10 buck pair of flat black sandals, and put them on my feet. It woulda been all good if my pedi was hooked up or if I didn't have those ugly stockings on. I needed a nude toe stocking like nobody's business. Couldnt take off the stockings due to the jacked up pedi job.. Sighs.. I need about 75 bucks to fall into my lap so i can get my nails and feet done at the shop.

So I didn't feel at my hot-sexy-confident best in a room full of beautiful sistas with cute outfits and open-toe-high-heeled-sandals with perfectly done french-manicured toes.. I knew I was slacking, they knew it, my girls knew it, everybody knew it.. Caught out there with sandals with the old lady reinforced toe.. I'm slipping on my game in a world full of glamed-out-pretty-bitches with good pedicures.. Perhaps I should just stay my half-assing-it self at the crib until I pull thangs together..

As for today I went to my main-homie *J*'s granny's funeral today. Went to the burial, and spent lots of time at the family's home listening to storries about granny and other relatives. For the past few months I've been crushing on *J*'s younger cousin. In fact she's oficially sick to death of hearing me speak on how sexy I think he is.. Good thing I didn't tell her what a naughty-girl I was while peeping him at the funeral. But the brutha was looking oh-so-fly in that suit today (with his super-tall and broad shouldered - caramel skinned self)

Afterwards *J* wanted to take her mind off the funeral activities so we went and checked out K.ill-B.ill-2. A masterpeice of a film is what i'm going to call it. Loved it and can't wait to get my paws on the DVD.

On that note i'm outta here.. got an early day starting Saturday filled with running errands, getting my damn nails done (can't afford the feet too) and working on some school-projects and studying..

Pour out a lil liqua.. and acetone too.

Triffling is not strong enough of a word to describe my actions tonigbt. My gyrls who get their nails done on the regular can relate to this lil story. It's been 2 and a half weeks since my last fill-in so i'm pretty much overdue. On my way there yesterday I pulled a hang-nail by mistake and it bled all over the place. Instantly I was upset because there is no way I can get to the shop with a bloody/raw cuticle. It's goinna take at least 3 days for it to heal completely, and that means 3 more days of walking around with my nails looking like I dug my way up out of a fox-hole in the woods somewhere.. Anywayz I decided to try to hide the obvious huge gap between the acryllic and my new-growth nails. I painted over the gappy ridge in a desperate attempt to extend my maincure a few more days.. Needless to say it turned out super-shitty and only draws more attention to the fact that I'm in need of an acryllic fill in something serious.. Realizing my error I went for the nail polish remover and discovered that i'm all out of it..

I'm going to be on the train tomorrow with my little-paws balled up trying to hide my nasty looking claws until I can get to the beauty supply store in the morning before work.. I'm going to be extra-ghetto and take off my polish at my desk, or in the bathroom and stink up the place with acetone.. Then pray my cut cuticle is healed enough to get my nails done on Thursday afternoon.. Cuz Thursday night I'm going to a social event at a club with a few of my homies and I fucking refuse to be up in there trying to looking cute, with wolf-paws for hands.. My gyrl *S* got fired from her job and me and *K* are taking her out to get her mind off of it. She's been real depressed lately. Nothing a night at the club with homies won't fix.. *yeah rite*

On a serious note........ Also, sadly i'm going to a funeral on Friday.

Pours out a shot of Hennessey for my best-friend *J's* grandmother who passed away yesterday night after a long bout with cancer. She was in alot of pain and suffering with her illness. She's in a much better place now, pain free, and chylling in heaven *kicking it with Jesus* (that sounded ghetto but i'm so sincere)

Cest La Vie'

In my efforts to expand my horizions, challenge myself, and have fun in the process, I found myself in a situation that was rather unusual for me. Went out kicking it with the friend of a close friend, just to see what would happen. I'm not the most social individual in the world (rather shy socially) so it was a real mental exercise to pack my overnight bag and kick it with this chick that I really don't know well for 24 hours. She's from India so I heard alot of blah blah blah all weekend about some of her cultural issues. Had me scratching my head like damnnnn and I thought "the blacks" were messed up with the skin color issue. Indians are on some next level shit with theirs. I was with this light skinned Indian who did nothing but bitch and cry because her ex-boyfriend is now dating dark-skinned Indians. I had to shake my head on that one.

Sad to say that I don't have much experience on a social level with anyone other than "the blacks" Not that I avoid other folks, but seeing other nationalities on the south-side of Chicago is pretty much non-existant if you're not in the gas station, police station, or dunkin doughnuts. Get my drift.. Anyway I kicked it at a party with a bunch of French guys, a Polish chick, Phillipino chick, some random white girls and guys, and then crashed out to spend the night at the Indian chicks crib.

The party was in an absoloutely beautiful condo in the Lincoln Park area (Joint like that had to run about 350 grand) What are the odds that I'd end up at a French party with a whole bunch of French speaking peoples. I kinda felt like my girl Carrie when The Russian cat swooped her off to Paris and she sat there looking at everyone crazy because she didn't speak the language.. Everyone was cool as hell, real nice, friendly (and I tried to stick with the english speaking folks like glue all nite) Sadly I was the only "negro" at the function and I kinda felt like I stood out like a sore ass thumb..

My mommy raised me well, and I can get along with all kinda people in a variety of situations and settings.. After the initial shock I easily fell into conversation in a room full of "white folks" But damn last night I was just wanting to see some color up in the room other than myself.. Know what I mean.. A sexy-dark-well-dressed-french-speaking-brutha-man.. Is that too much to ask for in a room full of Paris-dwellers? Where in the world was fine ass Jacques with his dark eyes and full lips when I needed him last night. Don't go lookin at me like that (my imaginary black french-man who shoulda been there last night is named Jacques Laurent)

At least the food was off the chain. The french guy served some bomb ass Quieches, brie and crackers, desserts, and other snacks. The wine was flowing like water but I stayed away from it. Stuck with the juice so I could enjoy myself without feeling "fake". Ya know how it is when you get drunk/tipsy and enjoy yourself more than you would have sober. I've spent so much time drunk at parties, I wanna see if my sober self is capable of having fun as well.

In the end I think I may want to learn French. I took a semester in undergrad, but I'd like to re-learn it for conversational purposes. The European crowd was cool enough that I'd like to give them another try in a few weeks. Gotta learn to speak the language if you're goinna rub elbows with the French on a regular basis. They have also influenced me for cooking something new. I went home and pulled out the recipe book. Checked out what I need to bake a Quishe, picked up the items at the store Saturday.. Tomorrow i'll be trying my hand at a salmon Quishe. This should be interesting and hopefully halfway as tasty as the one at the party.

Clay of the earth.. fruit of my spirit

The school semester is winding down *yay*

I've got a 40 minute presentation, a 15 minute presentation, and 2 final exams to knock out.. and i'm claiming my 2 A's for this semester.. So far i've kicked tremendous ass and only missed about 3 points out of all that are possible in the courses.. Just gotta hold it down, focus, study, find balance and relax, and make it through the next 3 weeks... I may be hard to find around this joint until its all over, but i'm here in spirit.. This is a part of my relaxation, so if i've gotta fight for 15 minutes to settle my thoughts and express myself, i'll try to make that sacrifice, during these hectic times.

I still have not found the balance i'm searching for in life, but I know God will bring it to me when I'm ready for it.. No need of faking the funk and forcing myself into activities I don't enjoy, for the sheer point of doing something relaxing.. Times like this I get irratated, because my life is starting to mirror Terri from So.ul-Fo.od.. She's the classic perfectionist, brainy, stick-up-the-ass, bitchy, conservative, work-a-holic, control freak, panic-attack-having, anxiety suffering, can't-keep-a-man, don't-take-no-shit-type. I see so much of myself in her lately, that it's starting to freak me out.. But, also like her there's a funny, warm, loving, caring, adventerous spirit inside that only peeps out when stimulated by the right individuals.. Miss Terri found her joy, passion, and release in Tango class.. I'm thinking about where mine is going to come from.. Someone suggested I look into Yoga, Tai-Chi, or other Asian techniques.. I'll keep it as an option, and look into it after finals..

*afterthought - self-edit before hitting submit *

I dunno why I'm fooling myself.. Ceramics is my first love, my passion, and my joy.. I need it back in my life like a dying fish needs water.. I'm just goinna put that energy out there, and somehow i'll find a cheap spot over the summer to get some studio work in.. Times like this I miss being in undergrad, when I could go to the art studio and work and work and work and work until my fingertips were sore and my clothes were covered with a layer of chalky clay-dust.. I'd be there from the early morning till the late night, and it would feel like only minutes had passed by.. God flowed through my veins, swam in my brain, and poured himself out through my fingertips, when I was wrist deep in a pile of clay.. Shaping, molding, scraping, filing, pulling, kneeding, painting, and baking.. Smoothe jazz was on the radio in the studio, and i'd spend my days and nights creating, working, loving, sipping tea, and watching my beloved instructor work her charms.. I listened to her stories, drank down her wisdom like fine wine, and ate her artistic techniques like the last supper.. Then I would go home filthy with paint, clay, dust, water, and mud..

4 years later I find myself hurting, lost, stressed out, back in school and trying to heal from past mistakes... I need the pain in my heart to stop.. I'm wanting to feel whole again.. I need to get the connection to my soul back.. I can't go back in time to those days when I was a young art student.. But I can't live without it any-longer, or i'd rather stop living... i'd rather stop living.. i'd rather stop living.. I mean isn't that what i'm doing right now *dying-existing-surviving* Cuz it damn sure don't feel like living.

Cold Chillin.. Word

*Peeks in* Looks @ tumbleweeds blow thru the joint...

Nothing new to report.. long boring sleepy weekend.. Spent a retarded ammount of time in bed Saturday snoozing and talking on the phone.

All is well.. New post comming soon.

Exits to indulge in PMS related chocolate binge...

Sabotage.. its a sabotage

I'm starting to wonder if i'm subconciously sabotaging myself? Last time I tried to go to the gym I ended up getting locked out of my locker, clad in only flip flops and a towel.. Sadly they had to come cut off the lock, I gathered my belongings and went home pissed off..

Then last night I tried to go again. Got there, looked in my gym-bag, and to my horror discover that i've left my cd holder at home.. I keep my lock, keys, weight-lifting gloves, and cd's in there.. Once again, not really too much of shit I can do at the gym with no damn lock, key, cd's.. and yes I left my damn towel and water bottle at home too.. I went home defeated and feeling shitty once again..

Today i'm goinna give it another try and hit the natural path instead of going to the gym.. It's one of the first warm days in Chicago (75 degrees) so i'm hitting the streets and goinna walk until my lil dogs start barking and yelping in my gym shoes.. Last time I tried that was Monday and ended up doing about 4 miles.. So i'm goinna really push it today, since I can't seem to get my gym routine together.. Perhaps tomorrah will be a better day for me and the gym.

Healthwise i'm drugged up and feeling like i'm actually better than my old self.. There's a long damn list of side effects for these 2 prescriptions, but the only one i'm really suffering from is being sleepy all the time. I'm a yawining fool, and hope to not choke on a fly when i'm outside walking today.. But if it will keep me healthier, with less anxiety, panic-attack-free, and lower blood pressure, I can handle the side-effects.

*Exits with running shoes and water bottle* Holla

If ya put my mind under a scope today..

* I owe her 13 bucks..
* Picked up his cd today.
* Finally had my Dr's appt today.. sighs.. she was a meanie.
* Mean people suck!
* It always feels soooooooo good to treat yourself to lunch, somewhere nice.
* Spinach, onion, mushroom Crepes with hollandaise sauce... OMG I was in heaven.
* Walked about 4 miles today... just for the fuck of it.
* Got my pamper session on today, with a trip to the nail shop.
* I need a damn pedicure (get the back-paws ready for warmer weather)
* A sista is in desperate need of fun outlets.. I'm finna sign up for a class or sumthing.. Yoga, painting, dance, or something like that.
* I'm too uptight after giving up my negative outlets for an extended period of time.. Amazing what happens to the mind when one stops drinking liquor.
* I may qualify to be a morm.an now.. No caffeine, no chocolate, no liquor, no sex, no salt, no fried food (if I eat one more bowl of spinach salad i'm finna scream) No wonder i'm uptight! and for the record caffeine-free cok.e is fucking disgusting.. but I can't tripp too hard, i'm doing it for my health, and my body will thank me later.
* I've still got a headache from being pissed off @ the Dr. earlier
* Easter service was beautiful @ church yesterday
* I had a blast @ the easter egg hunt.. about 200 kids showed up and ran amuck through the park looking for eggs.
* Despite some challenges over the last few yrz (which have intensified the past few weeks) I wouldn't change a thang, I still love me, God is in control *smiles*

Shootin tha hip-hop-breeze

Tha following convo took place Thursday afternoon on IM.. Edited for length and a few names have been edited to protect the innocent (meaning us) from potential random IM stalkers...

It wuz a rare thing for me to be in the crib and chylling on a Thursday, watching Rap-Ci.ty of all damn things.. My main homie Kappa (aka The Coach) just so happened to be watching as well...

Let's take a peek at what happens when we put our diabolical minds together on various hip hop related subjects... (keep readin)

*Throwback Thursday on Rap.Ci.ty - 1994's best videos*

kappadonna: whats the biyaz?
Reddy: nothing.. whatz krackin wit u dawg
kappadonna: not shit just loungin
Reddy: me too..
kappadonna: awww @ Nas with the chipped toofus on Rap City
Reddy: i know rite.. i'm watchin
Reddy: he wuz much cuter back in tha day
kappadonna: it was cute
kappadonna: 1994 was a great year

*on Toney aka Ghost*
Reddy: =P~ skeet skeet gawd damn @ ghostface
kappadonna: yeah Ghost could get it
kappadonna: wit or without the robe
Reddy: i imagine him talkin dirty in ya ear..
Reddy: and ya won't be able to understand what in the fuck he's talkin about
Reddy: like in the rapz
Reddy: but it would sound flyy az fuck
kappadonna: so true

*on Rage*
Reddy: Rageeeee
kappadonna: I know
Reddy: what ever happened to her
Reddy: she caught a bum deal
kappadonna: I heard she's a nurse
kappadonna: how fuckin old was she on Ste.ve- Harv.ey show
Reddy: i'd prob shit my draws, if she came walkin up to my bedside in the hospital
kappadonna: I'd be too scared to die
Reddy: lmao
Reddy: now that rite there is one of the illest female rappers ever.. next to baha.mad.ia
kappadonna: this is true

*on funk.da.fied*
Reddy: its da brattttttt
Reddy: i fell in luv with this song when it first dropped
Reddy: turnz up the tv... does bankhead bounce
Reddy: I liked her tomboy look betta
kappadonna: Chi-town reppin
kappadonna: yeah she should stick wit that look
Reddy: thatz my old look...
kappadonna: you had the ponytails too?
Reddy: hell naw.. lol
Reddy: just the gear

*on freaky ass janet*
kappadonna: Q-Ti.p
Reddy: skeet skeet gawd damn
kappadonna: hell yeah
kappadonna: Janet wasnt hittin that right
Reddy: guess she's hittin jd rite
Reddy: u see the rock on her finga
kappadonna: yeah
kappadonna: and she had the navel ring with his name on it
Reddy: jd's... lmao... gone janet
kappadonna: I bet he never thought he'd be smashin Janet
Reddy: ya damn skippy
kappadonna: Janet a freak though
Reddy: she look like more than he can handle
Reddy: i don't see freak, when i look at jd
kappadonna: yeah I'm sure Janet be wearin that kat out
kappadonna: he pussywhipped
Reddy: lol... ya know

*on the ultimate smash*
kappadonna: I knoe I'd love to be smashin Toney
kappadonna: or Meth
kappadonna: Rae after a couple drinks
Reddy: *shivers* Sean-Cart.er
kappadonna: *vomits violently*
Reddy: how can ya vomit on jigga.. but even consider rae
Reddy: rae couldn't get it.. even if he wuz offerin to pay
kappadonna: Hove just dont do nothing for me
kappadonna: he really does look lyke Joe Camel

*Reddy's Fantasy scenario*
Jigga: Excuse me miss, can I....
Me: Yes yes yes (legs flap open) take me ...
Jigga: Ummm I wuz just goinna ask ya to tell me the time
*end fantasy scenario*
kappadonna: ahhhhhhhhhhhh
kappadonna: out of control
Reddy: i'm serious... no asking necessary..
Reddy: I wanna bone that man in tha worst way

*on W.U*
Reddy: u dun talked up meth n them
kappadonna: I knoe
Reddy: he wuz fine as fuck, back then too, all grimey and dirty lookin
kappadonna: O.D.B
kappadonna: sike
Reddy: lmfao... neva dat
kappadonna: girl even not after 20 drinks and some crack
kappadonna: chased by some lines of gunpowder
kappadonna: however I think I'd hit ODB before I hit Cho.pp.er
kappadonna: *vomits violently*
Reddy: i'd never smash again.. if i had to pick between those 2

*on da.ba.nd*
kappadonna: cause Cho.ppe.rs face look like a nuclear disaster with no survivors
Reddy: lmao
kappadonna: and those gold teeth only draws attention to his face
kappadonna: which is not cool
Reddy: totally not kool
kappadonna: I knoe
kappadonna: Dy.lan is paperbagable
Reddy: ughhhh naw
Reddy: full body paperbag
kappadonna: bodybagable
Reddy: lmfao
Reddy: just stick ya dick out a hole in the bodybag
Reddy: i'm so sincere
kappadonna: I knoe

*on K.any.e*
kappadonna: my brotha copped Kan.ye and he wont stop talkin about it
Reddy: your brutha is a smart man
Reddy: you however... scare me these dayz
kappadonna: so not feelin Kan.ye
Reddy: look @ kanye's backpack.. i luv it
kappadonna: very gay
kappadonna: it might as well been a Hello Kitty backpack
Reddy: lmaooooooooooo
Reddy: what did your brutha say of your ka.nye dislike
kappadonna: he told me I was crazy
Reddy: agrees

*on get.ti.psy*
kappadonna: ughh @ J-K.wo.n
kappadonna: and his teeth
kappadonna: looks like a bomb exploded in his mouth
Reddy: lmfao.. i neva noticed
Reddy: neva watched it eitha
kappadonna: his teeth are out of control
kappadonna: he got summer teeth
kappadonna: summer here summer there
Reddy: lmao
Reddy: or as my gyrl's momma used to say...
Reddy: he opened his mouth n all i saw were scatted sites
kappadonna: LMAO
kappadonna: shit the hook need to be "everybody in the club gettin braces"
Reddy: lmaooooooo
kappadonna: he the perfect age for invisa.line
Reddy: u killin me today
kappadonna: I knoe I've been wildin all day

*the wrapup*
kappadonna: I might hafta remix that joint and put it in my blog
Reddy: i wuz just thinkin tha same thang
Reddy: the whole convo is blogg worthy
kappadonna: I knoe huh

Something finally beat the RJ episode

Is Wayne-Bra.dy goinna have to choke a bitch!!!!

OMG! I thought I was goinna fall my ass off the couch laughing at that shit last night.. Peep tha link above if ya missed it. I need to find more links to catch the other skits. For the first time I actualy forgot to watch the show. *smacks forehead* what in the bloody-blue-blazes was on my mind. I was watchin Sou.l-Foo.d and knew Cha.pelle was comming on again in 2 hrz. However I got my azz on the phone and next thang i knew, my mind was elsewhere. Fortunately I remembered just in time to catch the W.Bra.dy skit.

Well the weekend is almost here and I've got no real plans. Alot of chilling is on my agenda.. It's holy-week so i'll be spending lots of time at church. Tonite i'm going for Maundy-Thursday service (night of the last supper), Friday i'm going to the Good-Friday service and doing some volunteer service work, Saturday i'm doing some more volunteer service work, and Sunday is Easter..

*stocks up in advance on air freshner cuz the farts will be terrible* My stankin-ass is goinna blow a hole in my drawers from eating easter eggz and whatnot.

Carry on....

She sang my soul into calm and bliss

Thursday night I went out and totally enjoyed myself, despite being in the hospital again for tests, earlier that day.. I've finally been diagnosed, so i'm feeling much better now that I know what i'm dealing with.. More about that later.

Right now I want to gush and sing the praises of this great lady right here. Finally got out of my entertainment-rut and went to a concert. (only 12 bucks, it gets no betta) And, If ya don't have Go.ap.ele's cd in your collection, hit her website and peep the tracks, its some serious soul, and top knotch quality music... (Despite what others may say -looks at the Coach) All I can say is that the sista puts on a hell-uv-a show, sings her ass off, is beautiful, talented, soulful, and not to be missed while she's on tour. Check the website for tour dates and don't miss it. Her band was also amazing, and totally blew my mind.

Getting back to earlier that day, I stopped by the ER again to pick up some results, and next thang I know they've got me back in a bed hooked up to equipment. It appears that i'm turning into Terri from Soul.F.ood 2 seasons ago, when she wuz having those damnned panic attacks. It's been hitting me diffrently than it hit her, so I had no way of recognizing the symptoms. However its treatable, I've got a few more dr.'s visits, and its the cause of my blood pressure being on the rise. Anxiety has kicked my black ass, panic attacks are no joke, and i'm sick of this shit. *Sits back breathing deeply, sipping non-caffine herbal tea, and chanting* Eyes beer bottle, rolls eyes, and continues to sip tea.