Heat.. never ending heat..
Today it hit 99
Humidity made it feel like 105
(according to the news guy)
I woke up to 90 degree heat
I'm on my way to bed and it's 88
It's relentless, thick and opressive
Recalling the train ride this morning
She sat next to me and overpowered the space
Her sweaty fatty flesh pressed against mine
The bump and roll of the train
She bumped me over and over
Slap.. slap.. slap.. slap
I pressed my body further and further into the corner
I wrapped my arm across my breast
Tried to shrink into a small shape
Yet she pressed, slapped, and stuck to me
The feeling of her flesh sickened me
Not sure why it felt so un-natural and artificial
My tounge feeling thick and my breathing quickening
I wanted nothing more than to get away from her
It was crowded and I had nowhere else to move to
YES.. she gets off the train
freedom
my arm feels slick
nausea
100 degrees and I'm running errands after work
Just 4 blocks to walk to the train
heavy bags slowing me down
Sun beating my skin
Sweat has poured from my body in a neverending stream
A river of sweat ran between my breasts
running down my stomach to made a lake at the meeting of my thighs
Dripping down the small of my back
Underwear wet
Could I wring it out and have a glass of sweat
The heat and funk of the day sticking to me like a cloud
I'd only walked 4 blocks
100 degrees of funk
Returning home the heat still oppresive
He entered the train, sweating, wearing a long sleeve shirt
Begging and pleading for spare change
There were many empty seats
I had no fear.. he'd want his own space
Totally engrossed in my book
Next thing I know he is sitting down next to me
The aroma hit me like a hammer
He sweat and invaded my personal space
*Inside I start to wither*
Why is this man talking to me
breath burning my face
armpits like death valley
his wet sleeve pressed against my bare arm
I am...
weary
sad
itchy
sickened
I just want it to end.
Back into the heat
almost home
the blocks are so long
my bags are heavy
the sweat flows
reached my block
the stairs
keys
door
the rush of AC
blessed relief
They say that when God wants to bless your life he will bring someone into your life for a particular reason and time (reason, season, lifetime). It's also said that when the devil wants to destroy you it will be done by a person as well. Thankfully I know that there's nothing he can do to "destroy" me but I know he will try his hardest to shake things up and try to break my spirit.
Often when people are introduced into my life I have to sit back, observe, think, pray, and decide if they are individuals I really should have around me. I question the who, what, when, where and why. Then I sit back in awe that God will bring people to me and me to them at perfect points in time. Just when we need each other the most we are brought together for divine reasons. Sometimes we are torn apart and brought back together later.
Six years ago he was introduced into my life very briefly. It took the moving of an uncountable ammount of details for he and I to share the same space at the same time. I was first scheduled to take that trip for vacation in May, it was changed and I ended up going in August. I think about what may have been diffrent if our group had went in May instead. I never would have met him. Alot of things would be diffrent about my life if i'd gone in May. I can clearly think of 2 major life mistakes that I would not have made. However I had to go through those experiences because it made me the woman I am today.. But I don't want to get off track with those tales tonight.
When we got there we arrived at the right time, I was in the right country, our tour bus left at just the right time to get me to the theater at the exact same time he was walking by. Any variety of things could have prevented our meeting but it was meant to be. He had to leave his house at just the right time. He actually arrived on time to see me walk by and then he had the courage to not be blown away by my presence and he opened his lips and spoke to me. I was afraid (foreign country, young and anti-social, jetlagged, scared of strangers) yet I spoke back.
I often wonder how things would be diffrent if i'd been walking at a diffrent pace and totally walked past him. Is life really like that movie when the english chick misses the train and because of it her life is changed forever. She does not get to go home in time to see her man cheating on her. Then we get to see what would have happened if she had made the train and how her life turned out because she walked in and caught him. The small act of being even seconds out of time and space has the ability to change our life experiences.
2 days later I saw him again in a diffrent city. In a crowd of thousands of people he saw me there. It was appointed for us to be in the same city yet again, and meet in a feild and connect with each other. In a country that damn big, many hours away, in a diffrent city, there he was again. If i'd arrived a few moments late, or he'd been walking about 10 feet to the right or left, I could have had my back to him and he could have walked by, but NO we saw each other yet again.. We connected..
I didn't think anything of it then.. It was the last time I physically laid eyes on him, yet we have maintained contact all this time. Email, phone, instant messenger are a fabulous thing. I'm amazed that it's been this long. Our lives have taken diffrent paths. He's been married and i've had my share of bad relationships and hellish dating experiences.. We've been through a wide variety of life experiences, seperated by land and sea and continents. We are connected by a thread as thin and delicate as silk yet strong as iron cables.
He is my friend and I love him dearly.. Our silken threads are forming webs and taking shape these days. However i'm not one to make plans and plot my happiness based on other people's promises.. I'm looking forward to seeing how this story plays out. I'm going to take it to God and not rely on the chance of closing elevator doors.
I dont know where my motivation to post has gone.. Interesting shit has actually been happening to me.. Good news updates and whatnot.. But the thought of typing it all up makes me itch.. I guess i'll get over it soon.. Ideas for getting over the hump are welcome.
Holla
The following events took place last Sunday 6/25/06.
You ever have those experiences when you can look back and recognize the EXACT moment that you did something wrong which is causing you to suffer right now. It can range from something serious to casual, but still hindsight is 20/20.. As I sit here sneezing, snotting, coughing, and weak I can recognize the EXACT moment it all went wrong and I caught the el-segundo-cooties.
Last week I decided to go even further with the cherry-popping (2 posts ago) experience and go to the pride.parade and after festivities. After spending so many years of my early-mid 20's in tomboy mode it was like slipping back into famaliar territory trying to pick out what to wear. Hell I spent so much time with people assuming I was butch I knew what to pick out from the closet. My fav shelltoe.adid.as, baggy jeans, slightly oversized tee, no makeup, minimal jewelry (mostly rings), backpack, clear polish, pulled my locks back and replaced my usual switch/swagger with a lil bit of a pimp walk. Yes I was on one of those undercover behind the scenes missions. And one must act the part when undercover. I didn't want to be the "straight chick" just wanted to blend in and have fun.
Total role reversal because the gay guy I was there with took off the hetero-male gear he usually wears and wore skintight pants that fit his booty like a glove, a cute lil matching shirt, and lots of acessories. We headed off to gayville, got there hella late, missed the parade except the last 10 minutes and headed to the park where the afterparty/barb-que's would take place. I was kinda mad because my whole purpose of going that day was for the parade. He and his friends tried to explain to me that "tourists" attend the parade. Well include my hetero ass in with the tourists because that's what I wanted to see. During the long walk from the parade to the park I saw all kinds of things that were new to my eyes. Women walked along with no shirt or bra, just pasties on the nipples. Men in thongs and heels. Bootyshorts on men and women. More lace, spandex, leather, and fishnet than the law should allow in one place on that many people. I wanted to pull out the camera and start snapping. However that would surely expose me as a "tourist" and not one living the gay-culture.
Then came that moment when I made a piss-poor choice and i'm suffering for it now a full week later. The crew I was with traveled with a bottle of whisky which was poured into large crack.bucks.caramel.frapp.ucc.ino's with whipped cream. I decided that I'd rather go into dehydration and pass out rather than face using a port-o-potty at the parde or park. I decided no water or liquid would pass my lips the entire day. Thankfully we passed a grocery store or 2 during the day and I was able to pee frequently as I pleased. I got all weak and thirsty at one point and the caramel.frapp.ucc.ino was looking soooooo sweet, sexxy, delicious, and refreshing. It was also loaded with whiskey and I knew it had to be an amazing caramel, coffee, liquor creation. They passed the cup around and slurped the same straw (usualy i don't trip about such behavior) but I should have protested that day. The owner of the cup had already mentioned that her girlfriend was at home sick with a nasty cold. She probably had the chick's germs all over her lips and was a carrier for whatever bug it was. My dumb ass gets weak for the drink and takes a few sips of its cold refreshing deliciousness right after her. That was the moment that I regret. A few days later I had a tickle in the throat and sinus draining. Quickly developed into a chest full of phlem and a nose full of stinky, thick, yellow, substance. Today I sit here sick as a dog and coughing up all kinds of nasty fluids. (Said with the MC.LY.TE voice) Why ohhhh why did I need frapp.u.cinno.
Anyhoo we finally get to the park and I was totally not prepared for what we walked into. Several thousand gay/lesbian/transgender/other gathered in the park and had a fantastic party. Did I mention that it was 99% black at this particular park gathering. Ohhhhhh the krazy sights I did behold. My brain had went into overload. It's not often that you see that many exposed booties in one place. More thongs than the thong.song and more. After wandering through the immense crowd and locating our friend's tent we kooled out. Ole girl had a tent big enuff for an army, and food n liqua n weed. A sista was pretty pooped out and found a corner of the tent to lay out in and fell the hell asleep. (was probably the germs taking over my system and breaking me down and i aint even know it) I passed up the weed and liqua and went to sleep with a headache after scarfing down a couple of turkey dogs off the grill.
I woke up a few hrs later to people packing up their tents and grills. A few fights had broken out and the police were zooming around trying to keep order. When the fights break out you KNOW it's time to go your black ass home. Long story short I gathered up my homie who was drunk.as.fuck by this point and tried to get him back to the train. He's determined to go clubbing afterwards and I really don't want to leave him by himself that drunk in the street. He was barely standing/walking unassisted. I won't go into all the details but he got into an arguement with a large group of young, wild, butch, black chicks. He got up to go and argue with them, left his bag next to me, and next thing I know some of the chicks have grabbed his things and are going thru it on wallet search.
At this point my head is hurting, the germs have taken over my body, I'm stressed the hell out, it's loud as fuck with all the yelling going on, feet hurting from all the walking, dehydrated from avoiding liquid all day.. and now these chicks are trying to rob my friend. I'd been praying to the Lord for a safe way home from the time we left the park because I had the feeling something wacky would happen to us in the streets that night. The praying got more intense as we walked up the stairs to the train and got on the train. It got to a feaverish pitch once the arguement broke out. When his bag was grabbed I leaped up, shoved ole girl in the chest and snatched it back from her. Next thing I hear is "ohhhh this bitch hit me" I'd like to think it's because I was outweighing her by about 50 pounds, about 10 yrs older than her, taller, and was scowling like wolv.er.ine that she elected to let it go and just walk away. I'd also like to think that it's because I had my "butch-chick-outfit" on that she believed me to be as crazy as her "butch chick with something to proove - grabbing my balls" But I know that it was nothing but the Lord keeping me safe and watching out for me and my homie.
I yelled at him, stormed off the train, and me and him had an emotional experience as I vented my anger, got super pissed, yelled, cried, and shook.. He could feel that energy rolling out of me like lava outta a volcano and started crying and apologizing. He sobered up with a quickness after the drama. I ended up leaving him semi-sober and he headed off to the next destination. I went my ass home and there was the Lord looking out for me once again. I was drained, exhausted, stressed, tear-stained, germ-filled, and hungry-as-heck. I was greeted with a chicken wing dinner in the fridge that my mom picked up for me earlier that day. I ate it down to the bone and in record time. Yes he protects, provides, and comforts too.
End of the night as I'm crawling into bed with a belly full of chicken, and a system full of germs (that didn't crop up until 24 hrs later) I reflected on the day. I went to my first parade and missed it, saw the crazy sights at the picnic after, saw my homie get into a fight and damn near robbed, got into the fight myself and came out untouched, got kissed by 2 very butch chicks during the day (on tha cheek) and tried to act like I get kissed by ladies all the time (no straight-girl-on-tour-reaction), drank after someone who's girl was sick and caught the cooties, passed up on smoking some really good smelling weed (it's been years since i touched it and once you go back down that road its a bitch comming back to being clean) even had the opportunity to testify about how good the Lord is because he loves us and kept us safe through the drama and danger of the night.
I've been invited to a few more gay events, one takes place tonight, but I need a serious break from that energy. It brings with it lots of drama and theatrics and i'm much too weak for all that jazz right now. I'm going back to bed.. Happy Sunday and a safe wonderful Holiday weekend for all.